(05.25.08)

This is the mean reds.
They hurt all the way to your soul.
A stun gun would fail to shock me out of this.
I wake up feeling helpless against myself.
The easiest person to trust is yourself, so I hear.
I don’t trust me.
Bummed is the closest I can get to this feeling.
A familiar feeling that I’m unable to embrace.That past, this presant…
I cant keep feeling this much.
Now I know why I drank, now I know why I’ve hurt and this is all too much and so real.
I was taught early that I was expendable, my feelings unremarkable, and that’s what they tell me.
It’s an impulse to feel at home in my skin.
It’s an implulse I cant get a hold of.
So sad and so real, and I accept it.
I need that mask of disassociation.
I’m thirsty for it.
I’m hungry but the pain of hunger is too good to reflect that feeling.
I can’t feed myself, I need this physical point to reference.
It feels like a home.
I hurt and nothing can do that, it’s always a someone.
It’s predisposed to the make up of who I was or who I’ve become.
A quick fix with the cold heat of a razor, so brutal but such a relief.
So relivant and so appropriate.
Its what I turn to.
It’s what I have.
A drink down my throat, is a smack in the face…
If you put some ice on it you’ll numb it.
Cut it out and keep digging for those fragments I lost.
Becoming all I can to overcome this self hate.
Feeling loved but losing value.
I don’t trust this feeling.
Help, a kind word come to tease.
My walls are too high, my pain is too deep,
I want to feel anything but this.
Too much sadness surrounding me.
Closing in on me.
Inner strength, that inner peace.
The focus of a plea to get out.
The value is lost, I can’t live for them.
Only for me and I can’t even do that right.
It’s a tough role to jump into, as unstable as I am.
Acting as if I have it all together when I know I don’t
Are you fooled yet?
I don’t fool myself.
I’m sad.
I’m destructive.
I’m out of love.
I’m missing out.
I’m erradic.
I’m lost.
I’m hate.
I’m salvation.
I’m hurt.
I’m saved.
I cry.
I lose.
I take.
I keep myself.
I give me away.
I invert this feeling.
I suffer.
I cry.
I heal.
I’m not sure what I’m doing.
I fear what comes next.

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(11.25.06)

Leaving the wounds open to remember falling hurts.
Checking scabs like doors for a new way out.
You can never be too careful with your feelings, but feel careless often.
Feeling crushed can hurt, but crushing hurt can’t make you feel.
If I have to keep this up I might as well aim lower.
So I dig a little more.
Digging a trap into this hole.
I search for a target, an ending, a fixed point, anything.
There’s nothing but dirt and me.
I start a little trouble, kill another bottle, smoke ’em if I’ve got ’em, but don’t insist.
Fuck your needs, fuck your stories, I’ve written that off with tears. in blood
I’ve sealed it from time with the blood I have left, and even that wasn’t much.
When you look back, just keep to yourself,
because visiting hours are permanatly over.

Burden (11.24.06)

Im at a loss.

you set this whole thing up didnt you?

you brought me here under a guise.

a week spent together seemed perfect.

I let down my guard and my logic and my cynicism.

you tricked me.

I came 1300 miles to be here with you like you wanted.

like you made me want.

now Im here and its,

all of a sudden,

a cramp in your life.

I cant feel settled.

I still wont hang my pictures.

I want to get another job and get out of here.

its become blatantly clear to me that I dont mean as much to you as you mean to me.

I spend my days thinking about you and what I could do to make you like me more.

thats not how its supposed to be.

you were supposed to be happy I was here.

you werent supposed to hate my cat.

you werent supposed to assume the role of bully.

you were supposed to kiss me good-bye in the morning.

you were supposed to make me feel at home.

you kept asking me to “come home”.

now Ive only heard that when you were wasted.

what?

you can only have feelings when youre drunk?

Im sorry I havent been able to give you any money,

and maybe thats the stress you feel.

but do you really think making me feel worthless is going to fill out a check?

it wont, by the way.

now Im here,

I feel like Im a burden

and I feel like your accessory that doesnt go with any outfit you have.

would it kill you to let me know you want me here?

or was that just a trick to get me up here so you could break my heart?

Im out of fucking ideas.

Im exhausted at the end of the day from cleaning,

laundry,

cooking…

thats what you said you wanted.

you wanted to marry me

and take care of me

and now thats what I want.

thats what Im doing,

taking care of you.

wheres the time you spend with me?

oh thats right,

you’re too busy picking.

I dont know what else to do but get, yet, another job and get out of your hair.

apparently the faerie tale was all a myth and Im a silly girl that trusted you,

and now Im in a place that Im not wanted.

and if all of this is BS?

why do I feel it with all of my being?

healing thats needed for survival (08.19.06)

paying with my soul and my self worth for the demise before me.

creeping into this self I refuse to let go of.

leave it behind and who knows what Ill be.

I mask all of this pain and hurt with a face of stone and drugs of power that keep me from feeling.

cover my head and cry beneath a sheet of regret and woe.

I cant get this out of me,

its all become part of my being.

I relish the loneliness

and I preserve the energy stored as hate.

I pity this womb that used to be my home,

but now houses only self rightiousness.

I cant keep up with contradictions vilely puked forth by a mother hen that sees not past her beak,

but only to peck your heart out and feed it to you.

this all consuming hatred for her,

for me,

for him,

and for them.

it blocks the center and keeps me from the healing thats needed for survival.

Taken (01.11.06)

I snuck out of bed this morning.

Couldnt sleep.

I removed the blanket and crouched by the side of the bed.

my elbows out to the sides,

my arms folded in front of me

and my chin on my hands.

I gazed at you,

just watching the rise and fall of your chest.

I kept watching just to make sure you didnt disappear,

like a dream.

The way your breath catches scares me sometimes.

It seems like you’ll just stop breathing one of these days.

I sat there for thirty minutes just being thankful.

Im not sure how I got so lucky,

my horriblescope said I would win a lottery in the beginning of the year.

I thought about all the plans we make for the future,

even if it is only june.

The best part is that it seems realistic for me to think that Ill still be with you then.

My feet start to go numb from sitting on them,

and I dont care,

I want to watch every breath you take in your sleep.

listen to your voice when you talk,

and press myself into the warmth that is _ _ _ _..

I appreciate you,

Im completely taken by you,

and when you leave me this morning,

Ill start missing you again.

seems a little too good to be true.

maybe if I dont move and dont take my eyes off you it wont disappear.

MissMarySunshine 01.04.00)

going into this,

I was under the impression it would resolve something.

it didn’t.

Strange how you can go somewhere completely foreign

and feel so at home,

see familiar faces,

relive lost feelings.

Thinking I was past the grasp of absurdity,

I went…first, all was well,

I felt I know my place.

Next, hanging with an old friend and a new one,

still an uplifting experience.

Maybe it was my mistake to read into things too much, i

nternet conversations are too easy to have under the guise of honesty.

in hindsight,

the truth is said in jest.

Neck and neck with this distraction in the form of a girl.

Maybe it’s just me being delusional.

I felt something.

Comfort.

pity.

virtue.

Not selling myself short for a one night stand.

goals have not been compromised by this force of fate.

time is only the prophet of this ordeal.

Missing this place,

missing his words,

missing the thrill.

trying to play it cool.

Now, in these cryptic conversations,

there is a voice,

a smell,

a vibe.

All this burned into my being.

I think about it more.

back where I started and has he caught up yet.

Smelling the breeze,

water under my feet,

mud in my shoes,

I felt at home.

wonder if it was that way for more than just me.

Re-affirmed in my suspicion,

this isn’t him.

she isn’t me.

points of interest as obscure as ours shouldn’t be ignored.

I have all the time in the world for you,

let me know when you can,

I need to sleep better than this,

I need to feel better than this,

I need to know better than I do.

you bring me this,

all of it.

It wont be the end of the world, I

already feel lucky for this time;

it might be the end if my effort though.

Im already looking forward to fishing.

let me know.

Hope that wasn’t too much,

but still wish it was more.